Harvest Moon Survivor
by AttackOfTheHappyMarshmallows
Summary: Episode 4! Will AA stop being an evil torturous megalomaniac? Will Cliff realize that love is for morons? Will Jack ever get his pants back? Find out...NOW! Or later.
1. Episode 1

**AN:** I _really_ suggest that you go read Harvest Millionaire before you read this, because it takes place before this, and a lot of the events in this are dependent on shit that happened in that.

**Episode 1**  "Meet the contestants" _ (Heeheehee, pretending we care and all)_

**Scary Announcer person** _(who is actually the author, who CAN be scary sometimes, believe it or not...)_**:**  Well, I know you've been waiting forever (like 3 months) for the next story to be written, and here it is: Harvest Moon Survivor!!

But, instead of being on an island, or something lame like that, it's going to take place on Moon Mountain. They will compete for some undefined prize (hasn't been decided at this point) and one person will be voted off every few hours, or whenever I feel like it. The participants are:

**Jack **_(who is now part of the Penguins Take Over the World Alliance)_

**Bakery Dude** and **Kai **_(who are still together from the last story)_

**Karen **and **Elli **_(who bring with them a whole bunch of alcoholic beverages to "share")_

**Kent**, **Stu** and **May** _(who count as one and will for sure be the first to be voted off)_

**Cliff **_(who is still pissed about not getting his "Millionaire" money, also brings with him his Informative Field Guide to the Plants and Animals of Moon Mountain)_

**Saibara** the Artisan _(who, after realizing he wasn't in Nebraska either, decided he would enter the contest)_

**"Bessie"** _(Jack's pregnant male cow)_

and...

**Popuri **_(the freaky pink-haired red-eyed flower-selling person)_.

Mmmkay, the main rules are, you can go anywhere on the mountain, but if you leave, (like go to the crossroads) you are disqualified; no complaining or whining when you get voted off; no having visitors on the mountain; and no hypnotizing, brainwashing, voodoo, or any freaky shit like that...it's cheating.

**Saibara:** Aww, dammit! Does that mean I can't bring my cursed rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle?

**Announcer:** Can it be used as a flotation device?

**Karen:** _(is really drunk)_ I'll use your ass for a flotation device! _(collapses onto Cliff)_

**Announcer:** What the fuck!

**Saibara:** Umm, I guess...

**Announcer:** Ok then, you can bring it. Does anyone else have any questionable items?

**Jack:** What about my pet crab? _(starts to unzip his pants to show everyone)_

**Announcer:** _(quickly hands him one of those little black "censor" bars to cover it)_ It's fine, I guess.

**Jack:** Yeah, I know he's pretty hot, but what I mean is can I bring him along on the mountain?

**Announcer** (I'm going to get tired of writing out that entire word pretty quick)**:** Yes, Jack.

**Stu:** _(holds up his electronic Speek 'n Spellit™)_ I'm bringing this along to learn how to read. Yeah, I'm like 12 years old and I still can't read. What am I, retarded or something?

**Kent**+**May:** We all are!

**Announcer:** You can have it.

**Stu**: _(walks away, typing "yew kin haf eet" into his Speek 'n Spellit™)_

**Speek 'n Spellit™:** _(beeps)_ Something about the relatives of a tree...?

**Cliff:** _(after fighting a drunk and very messed up Karen off him)_ Can we go already?

**Announcer:** Yeah, I was thinkin' that. Is there anything left unsaid or undone?

**Kai:** _(jumps up)_ Arid land's better because--

**Jack:** _(runs over and punches him in the stomach, "accidentally" dropping his censor bar)_

**Everyone_:_**_ (sees the crab hanging off his "wee-wee" and resists the urge to barf)_

**Stu:** _(types "wee-wee" into his Speek 'n Spellit™)_

**Speek 'n Spellit™:** Wow, you finally got one right, you fucking dumbass kindergarten-educated retard!

**Stu:** (_types "dumbass kindergarten-educated retard" into his Speek 'n Spellit(TM))_

**Speek 'n Spellit™:** Oh no! You've said the one thing that can destroy me! Ahhhh! _(self-destructs)_

**Announcer:** I guess you won't be bringing that.

**Everyone:** (_hikes up to the top of Moon Mountain)_

**Jack's Dog:** (_rips up the censor bar, then runs away)_

_At the top of Moon Mountain..._

**Elli:** Hey Karen! Remember that time when it was like, you and me and Jack were up here, and we were like-- (_makes a strange movement that no one but Karen understands)_ --and then...

**Karen:** Oh yeah! That was hella funnie!

**Jack:** That was like, four days ago.

**Karen:** Shut up! I'll make your ass into four days ago! (_breaks a bottle over his head)_

**Jack:** Ow! Good thing I have my nifty new Plastic Censor Bar™ to protect me!

**Announcer:** Where did you get that? _(checks to see if all hers are still there, minus the one that Jack's Dog stole)_

**Jack:** I found it on the ground where LDTLITFPALLAP **(1)** lives. Oooh! I wonder what LDTLITFPALLAP was doing with a censor bar! _(ties the new one around his neck so that it covers him "there")_

**Announcer:** You know, it would be easier if you just put your pants back on.

**Jack:** Yeah, I know. But this is so much more fun.

**Announcer:** Fine, do whatever makes you happy.

**Jack:** Ok! _(walks around showing everyone his crab and asking if they want to touch it, which no one does)_

**Cliff:** Can we just get started already? My million dollars is getting stale.

**Announcer:** So sure you're going to win, eh? _(shouting to the other "survivors")_ Hasty and conceited! Remember this and vote him off first!!! **(2) **But seriously, we do need to get started. We're wasting the whole afternoon just doing stupid stuff.

**Bakery Dude** (I finally got a line!)**:** Oh, come on. You know real time isn't passing here. The Author can make this day last as long as she wants.

**Announcer** (who is the author)**: **Yes. All praise the almighty Author!

**Cliff:** Ok, does anyone really care?

**Announcer/Author:** I feel like voting someone off now. Who votes for Cliff?

**Stu:** I want my Speek 'n Spellit™ back!

**Karen:** I want that bottle I broke over Jack's head back!

**Cliff:** I want my sanity back...

_A few hours later..._

**Announcer/Author** (who will go by A/A from now on): Ok everyone. It's time for the first immunity challenge. After that, someone... (_long pause)_

_(cue mysterious music)_

_(no mysterious music plays)_

**A/A:** Ok-dammit! Who's in charge of sound? Someone's about to get fired! Well, anyways, someone's gonna get voted off in a minute. But if you have this Immunity Idol-- (_holds up Jack's cake card)_ --you can't get voted off.

**Jack:** Hey, that's mine! _(runs over and tries to grab it, "accidentally" dropping his Plastic Censor Bar™...again)_

**"Bessie": **_(walks over and begins to chew on it) _Moooo! This tastes funny!

**Popuri:** You can talk?

**Stu:** Of course he/she can. He/she used my Speek **(3)** 'n Spellit™.

**Jack:** _(fails to reclaim his cake card, sits on the ground cross-legged (showing everything) and pouts)_

**Cliff:** Talking pregnant male cows! Retarded twelve-year-olds! Popuri! There's too much freaky shit on this mountain!

**Elli:** Cliff, you seem kind of pissy. Is it "that time of the month", you know?

**Karen:** No, he just needs this. _(gives him a shot of sedative straight into his brain)_

**Cliff:** Oooh, I feel happy now. _(passes out in a bush)_

**"Bessie":** _(begins to eat his hair) _Mmmmmm, spiky anime hair. My favorite.

**A/A:** Will everyone just shut up while I explain this game? Otherwise I'm just going to vote all your asses off, then I get the [undefined prize]. I have the power. Heh heh heh...

**Everyone** _(except Cliff)_**:** Yes. All hail the almighty Author. _(are silent)_

**A/A:** Ok, here's the game. I'm going to give each of you a piece of string with a hook on it. The first one to catch a fish wins immunity. You can fish anywhere on the mountain, but remember that you can't go anywhere else off the mountain, or you'll be disqualified.

**Everyone:** _(gets their piece of string and wanders away, looking for a good place to fish)_

**Jack:** (_goes to the fisherman's pond and calls for LDTLITFPALLAP so he can bribe him for a fish)_

**Kent Stu & May:** (_stand right where they are and keep casting their lines in the dirt)_ **(Stu)** Hmm, I wonder why we're not catching anything...

**Cliff:** _(wakes up several minutes later, walks around fishing at different spots but doesn't catch anything. Eventually sneaks through the bushes up to the restaurant)_

**Jack:** (_takes his fish and stands by the pond) I_ wonder what would happen if I threw it back in..? _(throws it in the water)_

**LDTLITFPALLAP:** _(under the water, catches the fish, then slowly materializes on top of the water. Looks at Jack)_ Uhh...I just gave this to you. Why did you throw it back?

**Jack:** That's not what you're supposed to say!

**LDTLITFPALLAP:** Oh. Ok. Wow. You gave me a fish. Thank you. As if I don't have enough already. In return, I will give you this...fish. (_hands it back to Jack)_

**Jack:** Kickass! I'm gonna win this contest for sure!

**Cliff:** _(walks out of the restaurant with is nice big fish that he bought) _Thank you! (_walks back to A/A, being careful not to drop it)_

**Jack and Cliff:** _(arrive at the same time)_ I got here first!

**A/A:** Damn, you got here at the same time. I guess we'll judge by how big you fish are. _(looks at the fish)_ Dammit! They're both the same size! Why do fish only come in three sizes in this....."game" we're in? Don't ask why I just said that, 'cause certainly we're not like part of a video game or anything. No, this is real life. Of course it is. Umm.....

**Jack:** What the hell are you talking about? Just tell us who won the fucking contest!

**A/A:** You both did. _(shouts)_ Now it's time to vote someone off! _(everyone is just suddenly there in front of her)_ Ok, just write down who you hate the most in this "game", then be quiet while I count them.

**Everyone:** _(thinks "deeply" then writes on their cards)_

**A/A:** Ok, is everyone done? (_gathers all the voting cards)_ Here are the things written on the cards... 

"Bessie" _(voted for)_  Jack

Authoress - Cliff 

Jack - ?

Karen - "Bessie"

Elli - Kai 

Bakery Dude - Saibara

Kai - Elli

Cliff - Author

Saibara - Saibara

and one that says "I don't think anyone should be voted off. Why can't we all just be friends?" Hmm, I wonder who wrote that one.

**Everyone:** _(looks at Popuri, who is picking flowers and putting them in her hair)_

**A/A:** Anyways, Saibara the Artisan wins with two votes. But one of them looks like his own handwriting. Odd....

**Saibara:** _(rubs sand in his hair)_ It is.

**A/A:** Why did you vote for yourself?

**Saibara:** _(shakes his head, flinging sand at everyone) _Because...I just realized I'm not in Tennessee either!!!

**A/A:** Ok, that was weird. _(rubs sand out of her eyes)_ Get off my mountain then.

**Saibara:** _(walks away picking up "interesting" looking rocks as he goes along)_

**A/A:** That's it for this episode. Stay tuned for the next _(dramatic pause)_ Harvest Moon Survivor!

**Index of Footnotes**

**(1) **- Little dude that lives in the fisherman's pond and looks like a platypus.

**(2) **- No, I really have not chosen who the winner is ahead of time. We'll just see how things go as I write the story out.

**(3) **- Spelled wrong on purpose, if you haven't figured that out yet.

**AN2: **There's more _(obviously)_, but I'm working on changing the format, because the original way I typed it makes it really hard to read. Tell me if this is a good format (names bold and actions italic), or if I should do it some other way.

**AN3: **Has anyone noticed my obsession with footnotes and AuthorNotes?


	2. Episode 2

**AN:** This one is longer, but not necessarily better, because the first one wasn't really that good, so I have nothing to compare it to.

**AN2:** Remember the footnotes? Of course you do. Well, they're even worse in this chapter.

**Episode 2** "I'll make your ass into a 'home-movie!!'"  _(o.o ......)_

**Author:** Well, wasn't that last episode just interesting as hell? No, wait, silly me. _(cuts open her head, reaches inside and pulls Fucked Up voice in her head out, stretches it very far (little voices are made of elastic and are very pliable), then puts it back in, and sews her head shut)_ Excuse me. That episode was about as much fun as spending a day locked in a small room with Popuri. Welcome to the next episode--

**Jack:** Am I still the star?

**A/A:** You never were the star. Anyways, someone else is going to be voted off before this is over. Isn't that exciting?!? I can't wait! _(opens her head again, pulls out Overly Enthusiastic Voice, stretches it, and puts it back in)_ Sorry about that. Now, in this episode, we're going to have the immunity challenge first, then vote someone off later.

**Kent, Stu, May:** YAY I hope it's we! 

**Cliff:** Terrible grammar. _(sighs)_ Yeah, I hope it's you, too.

**Author:** Well, since I-have-the-power, I can overrule any votes, and basically make it anyone I want it to be. I like this job! Heeheehee! I...have...the...power! _(lightning flashes and strikes her upheld hands. She falls over on the ground)_ Ow.....

**Karen: **That was cool! _(runs over and kicks her)_

**A/A:** Ow, that hurt, you buttlicker! _(in Cartman imitation voice)_ Ok, then next game is this. Everyone jumps off the back of Moon Mountain (1,000 foot drop) and whoever lives wins.

**Jack:** Cool! _(starts running to the edge)_

**A/A:** Just kidding, of course. _(cackles--....?! Laughs)_

**Jack:** _(jumps off the mountain)_ Nani?! Ahhhhh!!! _(eh, falls....)_

**Everyone else** _(except Kent, May, and Stu, who still don't understand)_**:** _(laugh at Jack, then listen to A/A while she explains the real game)_

**A/A: **Ok, the real game is...we don't really have a game. _(thinks for a moment)_ Yeah, here it is. Who ever can think of the best immunity challenge wins. Oh wait, silly me, you guys aren't really the "thinking" type.

**Cliff:** I have one! Let's see who can do the best job of beating Jack within an inch of his life!

**A/A:** Cliff, just...don't talk any more, ok? You have no idea how close I am to just running over there and smacking the shit out of you with my Censor Bars™.

**Cliff:** Go ahead and do it. I don't care.

**A/A:** Yeah you do. Anyways, I like my Censor Bars™. I don't want you to touch them. Mmmkay, here's your challenge, if anyone still cares. It's almost dark, and you guys don't have any shelter-

**Bakery Dude:** Shelter from what? _(winks suggestively at Kai)_

**Kai:** _(suddenly remembers that his mommy told him NOT to eat dirt because it was bad for him)_ Icky! _(spits it out. Sees Bakery Dude looking at him in "that way" and oinks like a pig in response)_

**A/A:** Cliff! Get your ass over here and tell us what we, err, I mean, you guys, need shelter from.

**Cliff:** _(whips out his Handy Field Guide to the Plants and Animals of Moon Mountain)_ Hmm...it says here that the most dangerous animal is...Jack. **(1)**

**Jack:** _(reappears suddenly, with a lot of sticks and leaves tangled in his hair, looking like some scary jungle monster)_ Hey! That's not fair! I'm not dangerous...I don't think. Dammit, where are my pants?

**A/A:** They're at the bottom of the mountain, and you can't go down to get them or you'll be disqualified.

**Jack:** Aww, damn! This game sucks!

**Karen:** Yeah, so does your ass! _(passes out and is carried away by Elli)_

**Cliff:** Weird how shit like that keeps happening. Does anyone want to know what the most dangerous Plant is?

**Everyone** _(who isn't drugged or drunk)_**: **No.

**A/A:** Go build your shelters now, I hear it's going to rain tomorrow. How do I know this? Let's just say that a little birdy (named Saibara) told me.

**Jack:** Hey, that means it's definitely going to happen! Everything he says always comes true! _(runs away screaming, looking for "the penguins")_

**A/A:** Wait, what do penguins have to do with weather? Oh, silly me, they have everything to do... with...without...they aren't...they...just are. _(smiles happily)_ I'm always at a loss for words concerning "the penguins".

**Everyone:** We all are....  _(they all leave to look for their shelters)_

**Jack:** _(runs down to the little elves' cave, still screaming about the penguins **(1.5)**)_ They're coming to get you! And you! And...well, not you.

**Efl1:** They're coming to get me!

**Elf2:** But they're not coming to get me.....

**Jack:** That's ok, it's probably better that way.

**Efl2:** But I want to be abducted by the holographic sanity-stealing penguins!

**Jack:** Oh, they don't steal sanity anymore. They realized it was kind of a waste of time, and they didn't really have any use for all the sanity they stole, they just kind of hoarded it. That's why I got mine back!

**Elf2:** Oh, that's cool. Do they still do abductions?

**Jack:** Mmm, sometimes. You have to be..."special". Anyways, back to the real reason I came here. Can, err may, I stay here for the night? Damn Cliff and his good grammar! We hates him, don'ts we, precious? _(talking like Gollum from LotR)_

**Elf1:** What the hell....? I guess you can stay with us. If you...HAVE to.

**Jack:** Yay! We can tell penguin stories all night!

(suddenly, another one of those ever-popular "instantaneous event sequences" occurs ...actually, it takes a few seconds)

**Elf3:** _(walks out of the "back room" wrapped in a towel)_

**Jack:** Where are your clothes?!

**Elf3:** _(looks up, sees Jack in their home, screams and drops his towel)_

**Everyone:** _(screams when they see what's under it)_

_(end instantaneous event sequence)_

(long pause, while the rest of time catches up with them and they try to figure out what the hell that is)

**Jack:** What the hell is that?!?

**Elf2:** You've been hiding this from us all along....

**Elf1:** I should've known...

(another, longer, pause)

**Elf2:** That's really kind of gross, you know.

**Jack:** I think I'll go stay somewhere else tonight.... _(runs away)_ I wonder if the Craftsman is busy tonight? _(little does he know just how "busy" he is)_

**Craftsman:** _(hears a knock at the door)_ Oh shit, I think someone's out there. I could get arrested for what I'm doing! Quick, LDTLITFPALLAP, put your clothes back on!!!

**LDTLITFPALLAP:** What the hell are you talking about, Craftsman? _(gets up and turns the camera off)_

**Jack:** Can I come in?!? I wanna stay for the night.

**Craftsman:** Hmmm, I think that can be arranged... _(sly wink)_

**Jack:** _(walks unsuspectingly into the house, looks around)_ Hey, what's all this stuff in here? Wait a minute! YOU were the ones that took the pictures I saw in Gray's inappropriate magazines! **(2)** And LDTLITFPALLAP! What's wrong with you? You're...you're nude! And you're really a girl! This is like all my worst nightmares all rolled into one big crazy psycho-dream...

**LDTLITFPALLAP:** Eh, Jack, you weren't really supposed to know about this. But now that you do--

**Jack:** If it's supposed to be some big secret, then why did you just let me into your house and show me?

**Craftsman:** Well, perhaps we can work out a deal with you...maybe let you in on some of the profits...?

**Jack:** I want one third of the profits from all the sales, plus the rights to the magazine.

**Craftsman** and **LDTLITFPALLAP:** It's a deal! But you have to do something for us, too... _(begin giving each other strange looks and moving closer to Jack)_

Somewhere, and someone, else...

**Cliff:** _(sitting on a rock alone, as the sun sets)_ Hmmm, I wonder why I'm all unpopular and what-not.

**Karen:** _(sneaks up behind him with a bottle in one hand and another "make-Cliff-happy" drug in the other hand)_ Well, I'd say you're very popular with us! _(laughs crazily)_

**Elli:** You know, it would have been funnier if you hadn't said anything and we'd surprised him. _(laughs crazily also)_

**Cliff:** _(turns around)_ Oh, hello, Karen and Elli. What do you want? I was just watching the sunset. Want to join me?

**Karen:** Shut up! I'll make your ass into a sunset_! (breaks the bottle over his head and "administers" the sedative drug)_

**Elli:** _(suddenly remembers that she can stop laughing crazily now) _Ok Karen, what do we do now?

**Karen:** Oh, I'll show you. _(drags Cliff's limp body into a bush, while Elli follows)_

.....

**"Bessie":** Hey, why haven't I gotten any good lines yet?

**A/A:** Because you don't deserve any. You were an accident!

**"Bessie":** See, look, you just got one. Why don't I get to say anything funny like that?

**A/A:** I dunno, maybe you'll get one later. _(winks)_

**"Bessie":** Holy shit, don't wink at me! Winks usually mean something Really Bad is going to happen in your stories.

**A/A:** Oh come on, "Bessie", you're one of the "cool" people in the story. I wouldn't have anything bad happen to you. _(winks again)_

**"Bessie":** Ahhh! Stop doing that, dammit!

At the top of the mountain...

**Kent:** What's a shelter?

**May:** I don't know. Maybe it's like a kind of cookie.

**Stu:** Yeah, like that cookies you stole!

**(May)** Who, me?  **(Kent)** Yes, you!  **(May) **Couldn't be! **(2.5)** **(Kent)** Then--

**Bakery Dude:** Shut up! We're trying to, uh, sleep here.

**Kai:** We weren't sleeping, Bakery Dude. You were just about to take that hard, crusty loaf of "bread" and--

**Bakery Dude:** _(clamps a hand over Kai's mouth)_ Not in front of the children!!

**Stu:** What were you going to do with the bread, Kai?

**Kai:** Uhh, umm, maybe better if I didn't say...  See, we were going to... umm… (_improvising) _have a tea party! And...serve this...bread... Certainly not shove it--

**May:** Ooooh! I like tea parties! Can we stay in your shelter with you?

**Bakery Dude:** (_annoyed at being "interrupted")_ We don't HAVE a shelter. We were going to, uh, "sleep" under this tree here.

**Kent:** And what if it rains? How are you going to keep warm?

**Kai:** _(blushing) _Ah, dammit! Stop asking so many questions!

**Bakery Dude:** You can stay with us...I guess. But maybe you should wear these blindfolds later on, you wouldn't want to see...

**Kent, Stu, May:** Why would we want to do that?

**Kai:** there are going to be some things going on later on that wouldn't be good for kids like you to see. It might warp your fragile little minds. **(3)**

**A/A:** _(tries to think of whose shelter hasn't been dealt with yet) (looks around at the remaining "victims")_ Ah, Popuri. The only one left. Heh heh heh.

**Popuri:** Where do I get to stay? Oh, I hope it's in a cute little house shaped like a teapot (or a mushroom) with and white picket fence and about 20,000 cats in the front yard and... _(continues babbling for a few minutes)_

**A/A:** Shut up! I said you had to WORK for your shelter.

**Popuri:** Oh, darn. Do I still get the cats?

**A/A:** No. In fact, because I am the author and I-have-the-power (evil laugh inserted here), I choose to make you so dumb that you don't even know what a shelter is.

**Kent+Stu+May:** Just like us! _(are all watching Bakery Dude and Kai in a rather...strange position, doing something...unusual)_ **(Kent)** What is Bakery Dude doing to Kai? **(4)** **(May)** It looks kind of like they're playing leap-frog!  **(Kent)** Only, without the LEAPS. **(Stu)** Cool, lets join in!

**A/A:** ....... _(ducks at the flames being hurled at her from Reviewland) (HINT HINT)_

The next day...

(Everyone is assembled at the top of the mountain, which is where all the main announcements happen)

**Jack:** Boy, is my ass ever sore! _(rubs it)_

**A/A:** What's the matter? Did you sleep on the ground? _(evil wink, because she knows what he _really _did)_

**Jack:** I'll have you know, I hardly slept at all last night. I stayed at the Craftsman's with LDTLITFPALLAP, and we made popcorn, and had a party, and we made "Home-Movies"!!

**A/A:** Eh, I'm not even going to ask.

**Karen:** _(slightly sober, for once) _Jack, how much did you get paid?

**Jack:** What are you talking about?

**Karen:** Come on, Jack. I of all people would know what you mean when you say "home-movies". That's like, the code word for it in The Business. **(5)**

(meanwhile, everyone is whispering about what a slut LDTLITFPALLAP is)

**Jack:** You mean...you've been in a..."home-movie"?

**Karen:** It was supposed to be a secret!

**Jack:** But you just came out and told me! And everyone else...

**Karen:** I hate you, Jack! You've ruined my life. It was just for the money, you know. _(runs away crying)_

**Jack:** WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?!?!

**A/A:** It doesn't matter. She'll get over it in a while.

**Elli:** _(rushes to bring Karen some more alcohol, in hope that she will forget about it and not take it out on her later)_

**A/A:** _(suddenly realizes...) _Where is Cliff?

**Everyone:** _(looks around and is surprised to see that he's not there. They begin wandering off to look for him)_

**A/A:** _(looks surprised)_ Wait! We all hate Cliff here, right?

**Everyone:** Well, yeah, sort of, I guess...

**A/A:** We've got more important things to do than look for him. Like this next immunity challenge. Whoever can be the first to bring me back a worthy gift from somewhere on the mountain wins. Oh yeah, and if there's anything left over afterwards, you guys can have it, 'cause I just realized none of you have eaten since you got here.

**All contestants:** _(leave to go look for a gift for A/A)_

**A/A**: _(to Ducks the penguin god, who only she can see)_ You now what? I REALLY like this job. _(grins)_

Some time passes, then...

**Jack:** _(wanders slowly up to where A/A is waiting, holding a veryberry)_

**A/A:** Oh, what a nice gift, Jack! Thank you.

**Jack:** _(looks down at the veryberry)_ Oh, this? It isn't for you. Actually it's for Karen. _(runs off to look for her)_

**A/A:** _(shouts after him)_ But didn't you bring anything for me?

**Jack:** _(to himself)_ After this I'm gonna ask her to marry me!

**A/A:** _(falls on the ground laughing at what he said)_ You're kidding, right? Jack?! Wha... 

Some more time passes, then...

**Cliff:** _(hobbles unsteadily up the hill, his arms full of stuff)_

**A/A:** Nice to see you again, Cliff. Not. Where were you earlier?

**Cliff:** (_about to fall over with the weight of all the stuff)_ Well, it was the funniest thing. I was watching the sunset, when suddenly I couldn't remember anything. Then I woke up later on in a bush with half my clothes torn off, and Karen--

**A/A:** No need to lie about it, Cliff. I don't want to hear about your creepy little sex fantasies that you like to jack off to. And you don't need to drag Karen into this. If you REALLY don't want to tell us where you were, then just don't.

**Cliff:** _(looks confused)_ Anyways, all this stuff is for you, A/A! For some reason, when I woke up, I just felt like getting you a bunch of gifts! **(6)**

**A/A:** Yeah, right. _(mutters)_ Suck-up.

**Everyone:** _(comes back, whining and complaining)_ There wasn't anything left! Cliff picked it all!

**Cliff:** _(deposits all the stuff on the ground, where it breaks or squashes and immediately disappears, like what happens in the game)_

**A/A:** You idiot! You just ruined all of it! _(kicks him in the balls)_

**Karen:** _(picks up a squished veryberry that hadn't disappeared yet, with little shiny anime tears forming in her eyes)_ You...you killed it. _(looks up and gives Cliff a DeathGlare™)_ Cliff! I'll make your ass into a squished veryberry!!!

**Cliff:** Ahh! _(limps away)_ I didn't mean to! I thought-- ow! Ouch, dammit, stop pinching me!

**Karen:** _(giggles) (pinches him inappropriately some more)_ I told you I was going to make your ass--

**Jack: **_(finally makes his stupid self notice)_ Karen! What are you doing touching Cliff...THERE? **(7)** I thought you loved me! _(takes out his blue feather, throws it on the ground and stops on it)_

**Karen:** Hey, Jack, I'll marry you. Just as long as you have a kitchen!!

**Jack:** Wah... Why do I need a kitchen?

**Karen:** Ah, I get these terrible munchies in the middle of the night sometimes...  Oh, I was just telling you about how I was making Cliff's ass--

**Jack:** Into your own personal plaything! _(sobs)_

**Cliff:** _(while the two of them are arguing back and forth, he slips away and goes back to where the rest of the group is waiting)_

**A/A:** Well, even though you're stupid, Cliff, I guess it's the thought that counts...or something. _(gives him Jack's flower seed card)_ Here's your immunity idol.

**Cliff:** Kickass! _(runs off to go find some more of those weird fungus things **(9)** that grow in the elves' cave and make you see straaaaange shit)_

**A/A:** Cooliness! It's time to vote someone off again!! _(threatens the Little Overly Enthusiastic voice with a balloon)_ **(10)** Don't worry about those three (Jack, Cliff, Karen) they just won't be included in this one. And don't bother to vote for Cliff, since he's "immune." Heh heh heh. _(hands out the voting cards and some markers)_ **(11)**

**Everyone:** _(writes something on theirs, then gives it back to A/A)_

**A/A:** Mmmkay, here's what the cards say. One for Jack, one for "Bessie" (looks like Kai's writing...maybe he was afraid Bakery Dude would become, err, distracted)--

**Bakery Dude:** _(stops batting his eyelashes at "Bessie")_ What?! Oh, sorry Kai. _(gives him a pie)_

**Kai:** _(thinks about what his mommy said about accepting food from strangers)_

**A/A:** Two for Popuri, and one that says "Why cannot there be peace on the mountaintop?"

**Everyone:** _(glares at Popuri)_

**A/A: **Popuri, get the hell off my mountain! And take your stupid-ass peace-loving shit with you!

**Everyone:** _(cheers, while Popuri walks down the path picking flowers along the way)_

**A/A:** Well, since there's no mountain food left, and you're probably pretty hungry by now, I guess we should all go to the Restaurant.

**Everyone:** _(cheers again, then begins walking away)_

**Jack, Karen, Cliff:** _(see them leaving)_ **(Jack)** Where are they going? **(Cliff)** We should follow them! **(Karen)** I'll make both your asses into.....ok, let's go after them. _(they follow)_

Index of Footnotes 

**1** - See Harvest Moon Millionaire for a description, and what to do if you encounter a wild and/or dangerous Jack in the woods.

**1.5** - Much as the Author has been known to do--[in the notebook, the words "quite often" are scratched out and "occasionally" is written above it]

**2 **- Again, see HM Millionaire for explanation.

**2.5** - _(Author screams loudly at all the footnotes) _ONCE AGAIN, if you read HM Millionaire, this is funnier.

**3** - Another Cartman Quote.

**4** - Take a wild guess here. If you haven't figured it out by now, then...you need to try harder.

**5** - If you haven't figured out that "home-movies" means "porno" yet, then you're just dumb.

**6** - Actually, because the author failed to come up with a better explanation of why he picked everything on the mountain.

**7** - Guess where.

**8 **- Author thinks she has too many footnotes in her story. But it's kind of comical, in a way.

**9 **- "Magic" mushrooms, wink wink

**10** - Why is a balloon considered threatening? Well, just ask the Little Overly Enthusiastic voice. _(evil laugh)_

**11** - Oh dear, the footnotes are numbering in the double-digits, in a chapter that as of yet is barely 3000 words long...

**AN3:** The footnotes are taking over!

**AN4:** As are the AuthorNotes!

**AN5:** Okay, I have one more chapter written/typed that I will post…sometime **(1)**, then I'm going to have to start improvising it from there. _[Translation: I might quit if don't find that people are actually reading this story. Meaning review, kudasai.]_

_Footnotes to the AuthorNotes!! I am insane. _

**_1_**_ – No guarantees here, since my computer is prone to Being An Idiot, among other things, and often won't let me open MS Word, so I don't know when I'll be able to edit the next chapter. It's not like anyone cares anyways. **(2)**_

****

**_2(3) _**_– I just like to trick myself into thinking they do._

**_3_**_ – Please, make it stop..._


	3. Episode 3

**AN1: ** This is the last of the "already written" chapters…after this, I'm going to have to start making it up.

**AN2:** And I'll be brutally honest (pretend like you care): If no one is actually reading this and enjoying it, then I'm not going to continue. So if you really like it and want me to write more (or if you just want me to get off my lazy ass and do something besides watch TV all summer), then tell me in a review or an e-mail.

**AN3:** Remember the golden rule: Flames, marriage proposals, hate mail to: the_antiprep_@hotmail.com.  Subscriptions, pathetic attempts to escape: the_antiprep_@hotmail.com. 

****

****

****

**Episode 3** - "Issues with reality"  _(And still, it goes on…)_

At the restaurant...

(Not really sure how this happens, but...if you know what the music from the bar sounds like (HM64), that's what's playing in the restaurant. Also, the two old people that own it are nowhere to be found, but there is a bunch of already-prepared food on the tables, and extra chairs set out.)

**Jack:** Weird, almost like they were expecting us...

**Cliff: **_(in a sarcastic voice)_ Ooooh, spooky! _(punches Jack in his lower back, knocking him to the ground)_

**Jack: **Ow, what was that for?

**Cliff:** For trying to propose to my girlfriend!

**Jack:** Your--what--oh dear penguin god...--Karen!

**Karen_:_**_ (stuffs three loaves of bread in her mouth, then washes it down with a bowl of boiling hot soup, while Elli watches her, grinning) _Wah goo voo van', Gack?

**Author:** _(begins laughing quietly to herself as her entire notebook falls apart, leaving only about 10 pages of 60 still attached)_

**Jack:** Come here, Karen. You need to decide which one of us you want to marry.

**Karen_:_**_ (looks back and forth between them)_ Vagewy Goog! _(swallows)_ I mean, I wanna marry the Bakery Dude!

**Bakery Dude:** _(stops licking the mustard off his bunless**(0)** hotdog)_ Karen, I don't think that's...well, you see, I don't really... what I'm trying to say is...

**A/A:** Out with it, Bakery Dude! _(grins mischievously)_

**Bakery Dude:** Err, given the way I like to do things...you know, "things"...I just don't think...you'd get much... satisfaction out of our...relationship. _(sighs with relief)_

**Karen:** How exactly do you like to do "things", Bakery Dude?

**Bakery Dude:** Ahhh! _(runs to the bathroom, takes his "hotdog"**(1)** with him. Moments later, strange sounds can be heard, them a long drawn out sigh, and Bakery Dude walks back out)_

**Karen:** Nevermind, I don't like you anymore. Now I want to marry.........THE AUTHOR!!!! _(freaky nails-on-glass horror movie music starts playing)_

**Author:** Noooooo..... _(takes out a gun and shoots herself)_

**Karen:** Just kidding, of course. Oh, look, she's dead.

**Ducks Pengi-san:** _(uses his penguin magic to bring her back to life even though he still can't be seen by anyone else) (does a little dance and disappears)_

**A/A:** Thanks, Pengi! _(no one seems the least bit surprised at this, and they all dig into the food and eventually pass out on the floor, tables, and benches)_

**Karen:** _(after being sober for about 4 hours, gets totally drunk again and passes out right in the doorway)_

Later...

**A/A:** _(steps carefully over Karen and goes outside to watch the moon rise)_ You know, I was just realizing that in 7 lines I'll have reached the exact midpoint of my notebook. The story's nowhere near done, though. What am I going to do?

**Cliff:** Get a new notebook and continue it there? Oh, and what do you mean by "the story"? Isn't this real?

**A/A:** !? _(turns around to face Cliff)_ Of course it's real! How long have you been standing there?

**Cliff:** Long enough to know that you think this is all fake!

**A/A:** Err...

**Cliff:** So, this was all a big joke to you, eh? Just a little humor you thought of to write down and make fun of us! _(begins coming closer, a maniacal gleam in his eyes)_

**A/A:** Cliff--It's not like that! You guys are all very real!

**Karen:** _(wakes up and yells)_ I'll make your ass into a--ow! _(moans)_ My head hurts... _(goes back to sleep)_

**A/A:** Cliff, you know too much. It's not safe for you to be around the other contestants, or anyone in Flower Bud Village, for that matter. If the secret of what you know were to get out, there would be utter destruction and chaos at fanfiction.net. Characters would rebel against their authors! Pretty soon there wouldn't be any more stories**(2)**, not even the sappy love stories, or the NC17ies that we all like to...--well, what I'm trying to say is, I think you'll agree that what I have to do is that best solution for everyone.

**Cliff:** Eh, what are you going to do? _(begins to look truly scared for the first time in this story, except for when he saw Jack's "pet" crab)_ Are you going to kill me?

**A/A:** _(logical explanation voice assumes control)_ Well, you see, at first glance, killing you would seem like the right thing to do; then there'd be absolutely no chance of the secret slipping out. But think about it: there would be suspicious, accusations, lawsuits, and nobody likes that. Plus, Katie might have her fanfiction privileges revoked, or worse yet, get flamed by a bunch of Pokemon and Sailor Moon obsessed "authors" with nothing better to do-- _(gasps)_ --Think of the horror! Think of the conspiracy!**(3)** _(meanwhile inside her head, Katie is rolling on the ground (err) laughing. She reassumes control of her mind (temporarily))_ So, what I have decided to do instead is... _(holds up a tight-fitting bright red costume, which is sort of Cliff's size) _You get to hide out with the Harvest Sprites!

**Cliff:** _(screams)_ NOOO!!! _(falls over, like the penguin in my stupid claymation movie**(4)**, rolls on the round)_

**A/A:** Come on. It's not so bad. Get up and try it on. Don't forget your pointy hat and little shoes with bells! _(giggles)_

**Cliff:** _(goes behind a bush (where everyone can still see him) to try it on, looking embarrassed)_

**A/A:** _(stares at him the whole time like the little voyeuristic...thing she is, wondering why he didn't just go in the Restaurant Restroom**(5)** to change, if he didn't want them to see him)_

**Cliff:** _(comes out of the bush, just as everyone inside feels that it's time to wake up)_ Oh dear penguin god...

**Karen:** Cliff! A/A made your ass into a...an elf!

**Jack:** _(facefaults)_ FINALLY!!! Victory is mine! Cliff, you really do look like an ass!

**Everyone else:** _(is too shocked to speak, except...)_

**Stu:** Are you Santa Claus? OOOOH!!! _(Kent, Stu and May run up to him and begin yelling out all the things they want for Christmas)_

**Cliff:** No! This is screwy! Does anyone want to know the real reason I'm dressed like this? A/A has a secret....

**A/A:** No, Cliff, you wouldn't! _(runs over and tackles him from behind)_

**Cliff:** What A/A really wants to tell us all is... That we're not really-- _(is punched in the stomach)_

**Karen:** Let A/A talk, you idiot!

**A/A:** What I meant to say is...well, you guys are...

**Cliff:** She really wants to say--

**A/A:** _(deathglare™ at Cliff)_

**Cliff:** --she's in love with the Bakery Dude!

**A/A:** Nooo! Ahh! _(picks up a tree branch and begins beating Cliff with it)_

**Bakery Dude:** I heard my name? _(walks out of the restaurant holding another one of those straaaaange hot dogs)_

**Kent:** Don't kill Cliff! The preacher guy says that violence is bad, and stuff!

**A/A:** The preacher guy does inappropriate stuff with the goddess statue when no one is around! _(drops the branch)_

**Karen:** Look at that, Cliff is dead now. _(gives him another shot, straight into his heart)_

**Cliff:** No I'm not! _(jumps up and does a little happy elf dance) _You can't get rid of me that easily!

**Jack:** Damn it! _(walks back inside and eats about twenty of those little complimentary mints)_

**Elli:** So, what should we do now?

**Kai:** We should vote someone off!

**"Bessie":** We should have an immunity challenge!

**Karen:** We should vote someone off and then have an immunity challenge!

**A/A:** You should all go to sleep and leave me alone!

**Everyone:** But we don't want to sleep, A/A! We're all insomniac fuckheads like you!

**A/A:** Oh, that's cool. Let's play a game, then.

**Karen:** Spin the bottle! _(winks at the spot directly between Jack and Cliff)_

**Jack and Cliff:** _(deathglare™ at each other)_

**Everyone else:** _(looks at Bakery Dude)_ Ewww!.....

**A/A:** _(grins at the possibilities)_ Sounds good, as long as I'm not included. Who needs math  homework anyway? _(pulls her math homework out of her pocket and torches it)_

**Elli:** _(always eager to please Karen (err...), she runs into the restaurant and grabs and empty wine bottle)_

**A/A:** Everyone already know the rules, right? Kent Stu and May can't play, because they're too young--

**Bakery Dude:** _(looks a bit disappointed at this)_

**A/A:** --and it doesn't matter whether you spin a boy or a girl, you still have to...yeah. Cliff, you can go first.

**Cliff:** Good...I think. _(spins it)_ Err, wait. It's pointing at "Bessie". Does that mean I have to...

**Everyone:** _(trying to contain their laughter)_ Yes!

**Cliff:** Oh dear... _(he and "Bessie" walk behind a bush. There a sound of struggling, a loud Moooo!, and Cliff runs out of the bush screaming)_ You chewed up my spiky anime hair!

**Everyone:** _(laughs in a big way, as most of Cliff's pointy hair is now gone)_

**Cliff:** Oh penguin god! I look like that guy from Dragonball Z! Ahhh!

**A/A:** Ok! Who wants to go next? _(no one wants to go)_ Well then, I'll have to pick someone. I pick... Kai! _(evil laugh)_

**Kai:** _(walks over and spins it)_

**Bottle** _(yes, it can talk)_**:** Round and round I go. Where I stop is...Elli.

**Elli:** Oh! _(giggles and blushes)_ Kai! I guess we get to...

(they go behind the bush and all is silent for a few minutes)

**Bakery Dude:** So, I guess Elli doesn't know about our little "thing" that Kai and I have. Or at least...I though we had.

**Kai and Elli:** _(walk out of the bush with their hair and clothes all messed up)_ **(Elli)** That was fun! **(Kai)** I've never had an experience like that before. 

**Jack:** He's probably just never had an experience with a girl before.

**Bakery Dude:** Kai! You can't tell me you enjoyed that!

**Kai:** I did. In fact, I enjoyed it very much. Bakery Dude, I'm breaking up with you! I love Elli now!

**Bakery Dude** and** Elli:** _(at the same time)_ You are? You do?!?

**Cliff: **_(nudges Jack)_ Watch, this could get interesting.

**Bakery Dude:** Nooo.... _(walks away crying (hey, he's not afraid to show his emotions!) while Kai and Elli stand arm in arm, grinning)_

**Cliff:** _(follows him)_ So, Bakery Dude, in your "previous relationship" were you the guy or the girl?

**Jack:** Now, Cliff, there's no need to be cruel. Oh wait, sill me. Of course there is! Do you like to be on the top or the bottom?

**Cliff:** Jack, that's kind of gross. But still-- _(to Bakery Dude)_ --we want to know.

**Bakery Dude:** _(stops crying)_ Why? _(suddenly, a single word pops into his head. Thr--s-m-. Guess)_

**Jack:** Wait, he's getting that weird look in his eyes. Help! _(he cries out as he is lunged on by Bakery Dude)_ Ahh! It's trying to take my clothes off!**(6)**

**Cliff:** _(sarcastically, in monotone)_ Jack. No. You try to fight it off. I'll go get help. _(walking away) _Sucker.

Back where that other thing was happening**(7)**.....

**A/A: **This sucks, let's do something else.

**Karen: **VOTE SOMEONE OFF!!!

**A/A:** Sounds like fun. Not really. _(gives out cards)_ Jack and bakery Dude are gone, but you can still vote for them. Oh, here comes Cliff. _(gives him a card)_ Now hurry up and write something--I'm tired and I want to go to bed soon!

Cliff - Kent, Stu May

Elli - Bakery Dude

Kai - Bakery Dude

"Bessie" - Cliff

Kent, Stu, May - Kent, Stu, May

**A/A:** Two for Bakery Dude from Elli and Kai. Kent, Stu and May seem to have voted for themselves, and Cliff voted for them too. "Bessie" voted for Cliff--why?

**"Bessie":** Well, frankly, I though he used WAY too much tongue on that kiss. And his spiky anime hair wasn't nearly pointy enough to satisfy my tastes.

**A/A:** _(says something that sounds right in the middle of "I see" and "I agree")_ What about Karen? She hasn't voted yet. Wait, where did she go?

**Karen:** _(drags a crying Jack, who seems once again to be devoid of pants, back)_ He hasn't voted yet! _(throws him on the ground)_

**Jack:** Baker--...y Duuuude ...... he violated me! I vote for him!

**Karen:** I do too. That cake he made me after HM Millionaire tasted funny.

**"Bessie":** Don't look at me.

**A/A:** And even though it doesn't matter, because he lost anyways, I vote for Bakery Dude too. _(laughs)_ Even though I made him do it because I-am-the-author and I-have-the-power! _(drama/suspense music plays)_

**Everyone:** All hail the almighty author!

**A/A:** Yes, you do that. Now WHERE THE HELL IS THE BAKERY DUDE!??!  I want him off my mountain, now!

**Bakery Dude_:_**_ (stumbles up the mountain path**(9)**) _ What's the shouting about? Kai, did you change your mind about that cootie-infested GIRL yet?

**Kai:** No, I didn't, Bakery Dude.

**Kent, Stu, May:** AHHHH COOTIES!!! _(they run away and jump in the fisherman's pond, unaware that LDTLITFPALLAP is...)_

**Kent:** LDMJFB... _(you can't expect an illiterate twelve-year-old to remember all those letters)_ looks weird.

**May:** Maybe s/he's sick...with cooties!

**Stu:** S/he has a new pet of the crustacean kind.

**Readers:** NANI? He doesn't know that word!

**Stu:** I said, his new pet looks like crusty bread! **(10)**

**LDT...whatever:** _(crying)_ I shouldn't have made that home-movie with Jack! I think he gave me crabs!

**Readers:** Naniwoiutennen?!? **(11)**

**LDTLITFPALLAP:** I mean, he gave me his pet crab, and I think I killed it! _(points at the crab floating upside-down on top of the water)_

**(12)**

**Kent:** Well, we don't care if you have crabs, as long as you don't have cooties. _(they walk back up to where everything else is happening)_

**A/A:** With 5 votes, Bakery Dude is the loser. Get off my mountain, now!

**Cliff: **DAMN! That means Kent, Stu, and May are still in it! _(deathglares™ at them)_

**Kent, Stu, May: **_(stare back at him, then begin picking their noses and sharing it with each other)_

**A/A: **_(clears throat)_ Ahem. Everyone, prepare to laugh at Bakery Dude as he takes his Walk of Shame and Loserliness down the mountain.****

**Everyone:** _(follow and laugh at him as he walks down the mountain)_

**Bakery Dude: **_(reaches the bridge that leads to the crossroads) _Well, I had an appointment to keep with the Mayor, anyway. _(winks and disappears)_

(everyone falls over, and the Author laughs, 'cause...it's just funny)

**A/A:** Well, this got a bit lame! But this episode is over--

**Karen:** Awwww, but whyyyyy? It was just getting gooood!!!

**A/A:** _(starts to walk away)_ Because…I said so.

(0) – No pun intended...wait, of course the pun was intended!

(1) - That's just what he wants you to THINK it is.

(2) - Not that there is a terribly large amount of HM fanfiction to begin with...

(3) - And if there's one kind of piracy I hate, it's CONSpiracy.

(4) – 

(5) - Maintained by the Redundancy Department of Redundancy

(6) - If you haven't figured it out, or if I forgot to say it (more likely the latter), he got his pants back a while ago.

(7) - So descriptive, ne? **(8)**

(8) - I love my footnotes. _(huggles all the footnotes)_

(9) - Remember, they're still in front of the restaurant.

(10) - Inside joke.

(11) - Translates as "What the hell are you saying??"

(12) – At this point, the Author took something like a three-month hiatus from writing the story, wherein I forgot everything I was planning to have happen...**(13)**

(13) – Translation: I'm **improvising** now.

**AN4: **Well, three episodes down, and [as of yet undetermined number] left!

**AN5:** Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to type while eating a Popsicle?


	4. Episode 4

**AN:** The funny thing about this story is that, while Survivor has by no means ever actually been a 'cool' show, when I started writing the story it was at least amusing to some degree, and some people actually watched it. Now it's so lame…(two summers have passed) …that it's not even respectable enough to parody. But parody I will! For that is what I do.

**Episode 4 **"An Unexpected Surprise" _(or some bullshit like that)_

**A/A:** Well, if a two-summer break doesn't make your feel lethargic and unmotivated, then I don't know what does! _(there are actually a lot of things she doesn't know)_ But anyways, since this is a story, and I-Am-The-Author and I-Have-The-Power, let's just say that a few hours passed.

**Cliff_:_**_ (is still deathglaring™ at Kent, Stu and May)_

**K, S + M:** _(stare back, then pick up sticks and start poking each other)_

**Jack:** Am I still the star?

**A/A:** ……Yes, Jack. You're still the star. _(he isn't, but she just wants him to shut up) _

**Jack:** Yeah! Yippeeee! _(jumps in the air, and censor bars go flying in every direction)_

**A/A:** And I'm glad to see you got your pants back.

**Jack:** _(stops and poses in a way that he thinks is_ dead sexy,_ but is really just_ mind-altering-ly corrupting-ish_)_ Aren't they great?

**A/A:** We're not going to ask what that bulge is. Let's just assume, for the purposes of the story, that it's a carrot. **(0)**

**Jack:** More like an eggplant! _(thrusts it out for everyone to see)_

**Everyone:** _(makes a _**o.o**_ face and moves away)_

**Karen:** So, A/A, what are we going to do today?

**A/A:** _(watches Kai and Elli making out nearby)_ Hmm… _(mutters to herself)_ Must destroy all het… _(shouts)_ Your next challenge is this: Whoever can make them stop what they're doing first, wins! _(points at Elli and Kai)_ And this may seem similar to what we almost or maybe did _(I don't remember)_ to Jack, but you can have more than one Senseless Beating™ in a story…because Senseless Beatings™ just make it more fun. _(so saying, hands everyone a boulder and/or a piece of lumber to hit them with) _Go ahead.

**Everyone:** _(rushes forward and begins pummeling the two with their various Senseless Beating Devices™)_

**A/A:** _(sits on the ground next to "Bessie") _Did I forget to mention that they're not actually winning anything, and what they're really doing is just getting me that much closer to my goal of world domination?

**"Bessie":** _(chews on grass and looks nervous)_

**A/A:** _(picks up what's left of Cliff's spiky anime hair)_ Isn't it amazing how he already grew most of it back? Now he just looks like a regular anime character…

**"Bessie":** _(moos softly and nods)_

**A/A:** Hey, Bessie, are you okay?

**"Bessie":** _(moos louder and shakes hisherits head no)_

**A/A:** _(shouts)_ Hey, everyone, stop! There's something wrong with "Bessie"!

**Everyone:** _(immediately stops, with their short attention spans and all, and comes over to where A/A and "Bessie" are)_

**Elli** and **Kai:** _(are..slighty bruised and broken..from their head on [boulder] collision..)_**(1)**_(stay where they are, lying on the ground)_

**A/A:** Everyone pay attention to "Bessie"!

**"Bessie":** _(moos and looks sad)_

**Cliff:** _(drama voice) _Is…is there anything we can do for you? _(kneels on one knee in front of "Bessie" and pets himherit gently)_

"**Bessie":** Actually, (moo) I have a sudden craving for… Pickles and Ice Cream! (moooo)

**Everyone:** _(in unison)_ Pickles and Ice Cream!?

**Jack:** OMG!! _(actually says 'oh-em-gee' because he's stupid and doesn't know what acronyms are) _"Bessie" is pregnant! _(which we actually already knew, but he was dumb and forgot, and so just figured it out again)_

**Everyone_:_**_ (turns and Stupidglares™_ **(2)** _at him, then looks back at "Bessie")_

**"Bessie":** I think it will be soon. _(lays down in some bushes and goes to sleep)_

**Karen:** So, I wonder who the father is.

**Bakery Dude:** _(pops out of a bush…a different bush…and not what you'd expect)_ I SWEAR IT WASN'T ME! _(disappears)_

**Cliff: **_(using his Brain—something Jack should learn to do)_ Maybe someone used a Miracle Cow Potion on himherit. Can you use it on hermaphrodite cows?

**Jack:** I used my Blue Feather on Gray once… He just looked at me funny. **(3)**

**Cliff: **_(looks at Jack oddly)_

**Jack:** _(realizes he is being watched; turns to Cliff and makes bug eyes _**@.@**_ at him)_

**Cliff:** _(looks away and blushes)_

**A/A:** _(snickers in her own secretive way, but no one hears this)_

**Karen:** So, who do you think administered the Potion? _(looks around and realizes, with Cliff and Jack caught up in their little "thing", A/A lost in her thoughts of "I-rule-the-world-in-my-own-mind"-ness, "Bessie" asleep, and Kai and Elli passed out, that Kent Stu and May are the only slightly intelligent beings nearby to talk to)_

**May:** My mommy was pregnant once. Then she died and had me. Or maybe she had me and then died.

**Kent:** _(points at May)_ My grandpa said I shouldn't play with you 'cause I might get pregnant.

**Stu:** But he also said the same thing about the Bakery Dude.

**Kent Stu** and **May:** _(nod together)_

**Karen:** Riiiight. 

And so some more time passed, meaning the rest of the summer that was mentioned above...

**A/A: **I have no interest in this story at all anymore. But I must finish it...for THAT is what I do. I think.

**Cliff:** No. You don't. Think, that is.

**Jack:** _(runs around in circles, holding his censor bars like wings and flapping them madly)_ WoooEEEeYYEYYYyyyoooOOooaooOOOaaaIIiieeee!!!!!!!!

**Everyone:** _(let's just say they all forgot what they were doing, and so congregated in front of A/A because that seemed like an intelligent thing to do) _**(4) **_(all make bug eyes at Jack)_

**A/A: **So, what-say we actually do something? I say we ...should... go on a ... nature walk?

_(mysterious giggling is heard)_

**A/A:** ALRIGHT! Who gave Popuri control of my cue cards? _(steals back her Super Sharpie, and puts it back in !hammerspace! with the Almighty Spork and the Spatula that a very nice reviewer gave her)_

**Popuri:** _(keeps on giggling, until the Camera Dude escorts her away via a shovel to the head)_

**A/A, **with her little **sadistic torturous** mind: A nature walk could be fun, though... if we adapt it slightly to fit this game_. (snaps her fingers and suddenly it starts to rain)_ _(snaps her fingers again and she is wearing a poncho...and the rest of the contestants are wearing nothing but censor bars)_ Now! HIKE, bitches!

**The Bitches:** _(all stand there and stare at A/A)_

**Elli:** We don't know what you want us to do... _(shivers and buries her face in Kai's shoulder)_

**A/A:** NO HET!!!!! _(causes—omnisciently—lightning to strike Elli)_ You all have to hike up to the top of the mountain and bring back some sort of proof that you were there. You can form teams or whatever, but keep in mind that you're going to end up hating these people and voting them off later anyway. Because that's just how the game works. The first two people to get back can have their clothes back...if I feel like it.

_(And so A/A's bitches all wandered away slowly, shivering and clinging to each other for support. This just caused A/A to fall to the ground laughing. "Bessie" stayed with A/A because hesheit's just cool like that. A bit of time passed, then…)_

Somewhere on Moon Mountain...

**Jack:** You know what?

**Karen:** What?

**Jack:** I think we're lost.

**Cliff:** ...You realize that there's only one path up and down the mountain, and in order to get lost you would have to step out of the game—I mean, the universe?

**Kent, Stu,** and **May:** _(run around stepping on each other's feet)_

**Karen:** _(whispers to Cliff)_ I wouldn't put it past Jack to get us lost on a one-way path that goes to only one place which is actually nowhere.

**Kai** and **Elli:** _(look up from their own little private whispering session)_

**Elli: **Wait, what you do mean, get US lost?

**Kai:** You mean we've been following JACK this whole time?

**Karen** and **Cliff:** _(look at each other and shrug) _

**Karen:** We were both too lazy to assume leadership positions.

**Cliff:** And considering that "Bessie" is the smartest one out of all of us, and hesheit didn't even come with, I figured we were pretty much screwed through and through.

_(meanwhile, the rain continues to fall harder)_

**Jack:** _(spins around in a circle with his arms outstretched, singing)_ Raindrops keep fallin' on my head! But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning—

**Cliff:** _(grabs one of his hands, holds him still, and punches his eye) _Black.

**Jack_:_**_ (blinks a few times, an animé-style confused look on his face)_ Ow? _(suddenly realizes Cliff is still holding his hand)_

**Cliff:** _(looks into Jack's eyes, one of which is quickly bruising)_

(just so you know, a 'moment' is shared)

**Kent** and **May:** _(suddenly run out of a bush screaming)_

**Stu:** _(runs after them, holding a stick with something on the end)_ LOOK WHAT I FOUND! _(shakes the stick so that the mysterious thing falls onto the ground)_

**Everyone:** _(gathers around and looks at it)_

**Jack:** _(follows slowly behind Cliff, still looking at him oddly)_

**Karen:** It looks like...

**Kai:** ...a dead animal...

**Elli:** EWWWWEY!!!!!! _(WANTS to run screaming into Kai's arms, but he's too close to the "thing", so she runs into Kent's arms)_

**Kent: **Wow, you're all naked and crazy, lady. _(steps back, allowing Elli to fall into a mud puddle)_

**May:** _(whispers in Kent's ear)_ You have cooties now.

**Kent: **_(pokes May)(whispers back) _So do you.

**May:** _(lets out a high-pitched whine, distracting everyone's attention from the small animal carcass)_ KENT GAVE ME NAKED CRAZY LADY COOTIES!!!! _(bursts into tears which can't even be seen for all the rain)_

**Cliff:** _(ignoring May)_ Anyway, I wonder how that got in these woods. _(nudges the dead thing with the toe of his boot)_

**Stu:** Ooh, there were a whole bunch of them back in there. _(gestures with his stick)_

_(a moment of something that could almost pass for thinking among the group occurs, but is of course disrupted by—)_

**Jack:** My tummy hurts! I'm hungry! _(stares at the thing that used to be a semiedible animal)_

**Cliff:** Oh god, tell me he's not—

**Jack:** _(turns to Stu, salivating and masticating)_ And you said there were more of these?

**Stu_:_**_ (points back in the trees) _Sure. There was a whole stack of them. And little crosses made out of twigs, and burny torchy things. _(don't ask how they were burning in the rain...it'll make sense soon)_

**Jack:** _(runs off into the bushes making 'glahh' drooly noises)_

**Karen, Cliff, Kai, Elli** (occasionally): _(being the ones in the group that actually posses the 'min' bit of intelligence, look at each other and attempt to conjure up something like thinking)_

**Karen:** _(playing along)_ If we put mine and Cliff's brains together, entirely disregard the fact that Kai should not have been a par of the min thinking group, and maybe used the bits of Elli's brain-- 

**A/A:** _(appears mysteriously)_ --that aren't consumed with pinty-het-ness-- _(disappears again)_

**Cliff:** You mean you honestly don't get it? Obviously we've trespassed on the sacred ground of some sort of island tribe--

**Kai:** We're on a mountain.

**Cliff:** Shut up. This is where they do their sacred sacrificing ceremonies **(5)** and why we probably shouldn't be here.

**Elli:** _(suddenly much more conscious of everyone's nakedness) (moves closer to Cliff)_ Wow, you're so smart like that... _(begins to lean closer to Cliff, putting her hands on his shoulder, and making her not only hetty, but also slutty, and all around something A/A despised)_

**Cliff:** _(simply takes a step to the side, not even looking at Elli)_

**Elli:** _(not knowing what else to do, goes over and humps a tree)_

_(suddenly, a loud, random, very girly, very Jack-like scream is heard from the general direction that .. well, Jack wandered off in)_

**Karen:** I wonder who that was.

**Cliff:** _(looks around)_ Hey, I wonder if Jack's okay...? Wait, why do I care? I don't, right? RIGHT? AAAGH!

**A/A:** Insert moment of self-denial. _(for the rest of the contestants, gestures toward the very obvious opening in the trees)_

**Everyone** except **Cliff:** _(files, plot twistically, into the trees)_

**Cliff:** I seriously don't care about Jack, do I?

**A/A:** _(pats his shoulder)_ Sure you don't.

**Cliff:** _(huffs and walks off after everyone else)_

**A/A:** (_stands outside of the mysterious plot twisting place, and assumes her official Announcer stance)_ And here, the episode will end, because not only did nothing happen, but, _(shrug)_ eh, whatever.

**Footnotes...shah dude...**

**(0)** – Hee hee…a "stamina carrot" …heh heh…

**(1)** - If you can tell me what song that's sort of from, then you get smacked, 'cause that's just not cool.

**(2)** – Not that they're glaring stupidly; they're glaring meanly at him for being stupid.

**(3)** – You can really do that…use your Blue Feather on guys…it's funny…I forgot what Gray actually does, and my TV is broken, so I can't try it. Sorry.

**(4)** – Remember that intelligence is at a min here.

**(5)** – Somehow sponsored by the Redundancy Department of Redundancy...just don't ask, 'kay?

**A/N** _to the power of_ **4.6½:** Dunno if I'll continue it. Maybe if anyone actually reads it, which I doubt you will. But if you're reading this right now then chances are you actually did read it **(1)** and so if you review me nicely -- or meanly, or death-threat-ly -- maybe I'll continue. **(2)**

**...footnotes like whoa.**

**(1) **- There is the off-chance that you are a remarkably odd person who skips the entire story and only reads the Author Notes. If you are that awesome of a person, message me personally at my Redundancy Department of Redundancy-sponsored AIM name, imaginaryxtoast and I will marry you immediately. **(3)**

**(2)** – Really, don't count on that.

**(3)** – You awesome person, you.


End file.
